Month: February 2014

Sexual attraction: What does it mean?

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I’ve often wondered, how many people are open and honest about their sexual fantasies with their partners? And how many get to live those fantasies out? Sexuality, being sexual and actively having sex… Who you do it with, how you do it has always fascinated me. Yes, I’m a 26-year-old female and, yes, I have questions about my sexuality.

Often people think that the teenage years are the years when you get to explore your sexuality… Figure out whether you like guys, girls or both, why you like them and how you’d prefer to show your affection towards them. This may very well be the case for all whose sexual curiousity was somewhat indulged during adolescence. For me, however, (and this purely because I lost my virginity literally three days shy of my 20th) I’m still in the exploring phase of my sexual urges.

From all the porn I’ve seen, which is not that much (and unlike most people, I am not ashamed to admit to watching porn), I’ve noticed that sexual interaction between a man and woman excites me. That makes me heterosexual, right?

But on another level, the whole threesome thing with two girls and guy, or the two guys and girl thing excites me too. Does that mean a certain percentage of my sexuality is lesbian or bisexual?

People’s sexual inclinations and urges are often what they get labelled as; straight, gay, bi… To be clear, I’m focusing solely on the sexual thoughts and manifestations people have, not who they love. I’ve only ever loved men, and have only have had sexual encounters with men. Again, I ask, does than make me straight? I mean, if the thought of engaging in sexual activity with a female does not disgust me, if it lights my fire, am I gay?

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I imagine these are the type of questions millions of people ask themselves everyday. But where do the answers come from? How do you know which box to place yourself in? Should there be boxes even? The funny bit is, the more people I speak to, no matter what their sexual orientation, the answers they have are unique to their situation. They know which box to fit themselves in because they know where their comfort zone is.

And what is my comfort zone?

I don’t really know. It’s not like I’ve tried to be with a woman and a guy at the same time. So if my library of experience is lacking can I then make an informed decision? Truthfully, yes and no. Sometimes you don’t need to go through something to know how you feel about it. Just like you don’t need to kill someone to know committing murder is generally not a very nice thing. The more appropriate question then becomes, am I willing to add an experience of that sort to my library?

I haven’t decided yet.

But if the opportunity to have a threesome presented itself to me, would I do it?

I haven’t decided yet.

And that’s the honest truth.

Another way of working out if I’m either purely heterosexual or a bit bisexual, a way which does not involve the over share of potentially deadly bodily fluids, is a sexuality spectrum test. Here’s a link to one such test if you want to either have a laugh or proximate what your sexual orientation is: http://mysexualorientation.com/

This is called a the Epstein Sexual Orientation Inventory (ESOI) and it was designed by a Dr. Robert Epstein, “one of America’s most distinguished research psychologists.” Just so we all know how credible the test is (though the internet is not very trustworthy in some or most cases… depending) here’s some info on the doctor who designed this particular test and what its general outcome is:

Although most people believe that virtually everyone is either “straight” (heterosexual) or “gay” (homosexual), sexual orientation actually exists on a continuum. This test will show you where you are on the Sexual Orientation Continuum, and it will also give you an estimate of how much flexibility you have in expressing your sexual orientation. NEW! As of December 1st, 2012, the test includes a new, more accurate measure of sexual orientation flexibility, as well as a measure of overall sex drive.

Sounds good?

Ok.

Here are my test results…

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In a nutshell… I’m a straight girl with a high libido, who is open to having sex with girls.

Great.

Well then… That’s all she wrote, I suppose.

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Today is exactly three months since I started my internship at this here newspaper, only a month before my contract expires. Me being the constant worry-wart I am, I insisted that my boss’ tell me if they plan on taking me on longer or letting me go.

Hey, I need to either start looking for a job now or celebrate the fact that I won’t, right?

Well, I got my answer… They’re letting me go. “The company’s under financial strain… Sales have gone down… Retrenchments of staff… We’re sorry,” they said.

At least they offered to write me a good reference letter.

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Now would be the perfect time for me to go lay under a rock somewhere and contemplate how I’m going to survive this. Or I could just surf the net for other jobs… Prepare myself for a life homelessness… Or prostitution, which ever comes first.

I mean it took me two years after graduating to get this job! Where on earth am I going to get another one now?! I am beyond myself with worry and frustration. How am I supposed to help out back home? My mom needs her meds, my kid needs silly things like food and school supplies and shit.

FUCK

FUCK

FUCK

FUCK

FUCK

FUCK!!!!!!!

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Imma get back to work now. Before I get fired.

Lauryn Hill Philly performance 2012 the best with the roots

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Lauryn Hill Philly performance 2012 the best with the roots

I love this woman’s work, the way she thinks, how she presents herself… I’m inspired.

Stranger than fiction

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This morning I woke up feeling particularly panicked. My life’s a bit of a mess…

There are so many things I wish to accomplish, so many dreams, so many goals and they all seem to be far too out of reach for me. Worse than that, they seem to be drifting further out of my sight. I don’t want to be a failure!

They say those who truly fail are those who give up, on their wishes, prayers, dreams and goals. I don’t want to be that girl, so I pick myself off of my bed, take a shower, make myself look pretty and go to work everyday. This way I’m present, so I cant be failing.

But I can’t shake the feeling that my bosses will (not) renew my contract. What I may have or have not done is beyond me. A constant pain in my side is the realisation that:

JOBLESS 

= food-less

= clothes-less

= homeless

Not just for me but for my kid… My mum.

Haaaaahhhhhh…. Sighing has some relieving effects. More than the sighs, it’s controlling my breathing. I’m at the brink of a panic attack.

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There was a bomb scare near work today. Supposedly, the ‘bomb’ was found at a neighbouring gas factory, near the University Of Johannesburg, up the street from the SABC, which is round the corner from us.

Anyway, roads were closed, people evacuated (except for us) and the bomb squad was called.

While starting out my day at the office today, I had to face a very real sense of mortality. Tip offs from sources at the scene let the newsroom know what was happening.

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The bomb is about to blow!

Everyone take cover!

Statements which made me think, “The SABC’s getting evacuated… Why aren’t we leaving?”

More panic, more terror.

More than worrying about failing, leaving no legacy behind, no cushion of comfort for my daughter, brother and mom literally IS my worst fear. Actually, them never knowing how much I love them is… Not being able to say goodbye. My heart raced, my head ached and while trying to calm down in the toilet, I missed half a session of one of our weekly meetings. Now I feel worse.

Great!

It really is not a good day.

(Crossing fingers, hoping this evening is much better.)

In Song – In Melody

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The spotlight is of no importance.

Where ever I stand becomes my stage,

and not for applause or shallow acceptance,

but for the release from emotion’s torrent and rage.

Eyes tightly shut, look into the openness of spirit.

Swelling tears held back only by high pitched screaming aches

and low purrs which growl and groan for peace, elusive.

In song I know no bounds.

No words left unsaid for they need not be said

No curse incantations, no spells, no wizardry needed

for my spirit holds captive itself and all who need healing.

In song I am captive to the life now living through the wind passing,

through chords of vocals, my throat

emits now the sound vibrating from a core unearthed,

dancing freely where I too can hear.

Melody I hear you

as loud as the thunder in weather stormy

You need no microphone or sound amplifiers.

You are as clear as the rain crashing on a corrugated iron roof

But still I don’t know where we first encountered each other

“I am,” you say.

Melody born from the depths of me unknown,

yet Melody, you are familiar

like the voice of the earth, like my mother’s voice when she gave birth to me,

like Gods song giving me life’s energy, like the Universe cleansing my spirits filth, dirt.

In song I am

In Melody I am

In Melody I am healed

In song I am healing

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