Stranger than fiction

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This morning I woke up feeling particularly panicked. My life’s a bit of a mess…

There are so many things I wish to accomplish, so many dreams, so many goals and they all seem to be far too out of reach for me. Worse than that, they seem to be drifting further out of my sight. I don’t want to be a failure!

They say those who truly fail are those who give up, on their wishes, prayers, dreams and goals. I don’t want to be that girl, so I pick myself off of my bed, take a shower, make myself look pretty and go to work everyday. This way I’m present, so I cant be failing.

But I can’t shake the feeling that my bosses will (not) renew my contract. What I may have or have not done is beyond me. A constant pain in my side is the realisation that:

JOBLESS 

= food-less

= clothes-less

= homeless

Not just for me but for my kid… My mum.

Haaaaahhhhhh…. Sighing has some relieving effects. More than the sighs, it’s controlling my breathing. I’m at the brink of a panic attack.

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There was a bomb scare near work today. Supposedly, the ‘bomb’ was found at a neighbouring gas factory, near the University Of Johannesburg, up the street from the SABC, which is round the corner from us.

Anyway, roads were closed, people evacuated (except for us) and the bomb squad was called.

While starting out my day at the office today, I had to face a very real sense of mortality. Tip offs from sources at the scene let the newsroom know what was happening.

Image

The bomb is about to blow!

Everyone take cover!

Statements which made me think, “The SABC’s getting evacuated… Why aren’t we leaving?”

More panic, more terror.

More than worrying about failing, leaving no legacy behind, no cushion of comfort for my daughter, brother and mom literally IS my worst fear. Actually, them never knowing how much I love them is… Not being able to say goodbye. My heart raced, my head ached and while trying to calm down in the toilet, I missed half a session of one of our weekly meetings. Now I feel worse.

Great!

It really is not a good day.

(Crossing fingers, hoping this evening is much better.)

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