Month: December 2014
I spent today in my old boxers and a grimy T-shirt with rib sauce, salad dressing and cooking oil stains. (My lazy days are my favourite.)
Suffice to say, i ‘be not bathed and though the house and baby girl finally got clean, I – like a pig in its pen – am happily dirty. My filth is my friend and we’re bonding.
I’m no lady, I’m no germophobe and I’m in no hurry to correct that either.
So here’s to all the sloths out there, enjoying a lazy day in their own odours and juices.
I dub today SLOTH Saturday 🙂
Princess gifts and royal smiles.
Finding discontinued favorites, now populating the store shelves.
Family connections and moments shared.
Big boy toys for the eternal little boy.
And meme messaging that spreads the cheer.
“A beautiful Nubian Queen.”
A stranger called me
Light skinned – golden yellow
Ruby red rouge and curved eye lashes
Long black weave on hair and a smile like magic
And she called me
No greetings passed between us
There was no time
Walking out into the parking lot, was I
And she, talking to a friend on her cellular phone
While my eyes searched for a shaded area, where I could enjoy a smoke in my peace
The loud screech of her voice startled me
“Oh-my-gawd, chomi! I just saw a beautiful Nubian Queen. She just walked passed me.”
I stopped in my tracks, befuddled to say the least
In my shame, all I could mutter was “Thank you”
Avoiding all eye contact
Compliments like this are not new to my ears
But hers was like a miracle
It reminded me what I – today – chose to forget
And as we went our separate ways
She, on the phone with the stranger who now knew of me
And I, under the trees, to puff a bit of calm in me
I remembered her miracle
And in turn I found true beauty in nature…
“I’m not sure how it is for you, but confrontations and change give me butterflies and heartburn.” I say these words in my head as you look at me with longing.
If you could tap into my being, you would know this…
When faced with the difficulty of making a decision, one that could potentially drive me in the opposite direction of an intended destination – my vision blurs, mouth dries up and my stomach drops to the center of the earth.
To be clear, it’s not only my life’s change that plagues me. But, that what ever happens from this point on will affect you as well.
Putting it off – the crucial decision – prolongs my suffering. And I suffer sweetly, silently and with bravery…
I hope your suffering is not too unkind.
Sweat beads build up around my nose and upper lip, I brave the uncertainty of leaving all things hanging. The suspension; premeditated hesitation let’s me breath in the loss of control. In this moment of limbo, I prepare for failure. I prepare for an unimaginable success. I prepare for the off chance that nothing will change at all.
“What are you thinking now? Have you lost your faith in me? Have I lost your respect? Will I lose things – will I lose?”
And as I stew in the acid burn in my chest, all the while, feeling the gentle motion of unease in my belly – I succome to the nothingness of it all…
Worry breads nothing worth pursuing and hope breads worlds I’ve no wish to lose.
Deep breath – in and out.
The decision is made. Doubt creeps in to second guess my choice. And because I’ve no idea of the implications attached to it – just thoughts and imaginings, no real grasp of the changes – I take the nauseatingly enthusiastic step towards the unknown.
“I’ll to have to answer for this at some point,” I think to myself.
You’ve no confirmation just yet, but I suspect you’re aware of what I’m leaning towards.
Tomorrow, and tomorrow and perhaps in tomorrow’s tomorrow, I’ll have the words to express what’s written in my eyes.
“Forgive me. And thank you.”