Here I fastened myself to you
Turning grey skies blue
Suns and moons beam
Lost in a romantic misty dream
Here I undo the bond found
In fresh waters – love allowed
Far and away – cast asunder
Peace now reign fonder
“I’m not sure how it is for you, but confrontations and change give me butterflies and heartburn.” I say these words in my head as you look at me with longing.
If you could tap into my being, you would know this…
When faced with the difficulty of making a decision, one that could potentially drive me in the opposite direction of an intended destination – my vision blurs, mouth dries up and my stomach drops to the center of the earth.
To be clear, it’s not only my life’s change that plagues me. But, that what ever happens from this point on will affect you as well.
Putting it off – the crucial decision – prolongs my suffering. And I suffer sweetly, silently and with bravery…
I hope your suffering is not too unkind.
Sweat beads build up around my nose and upper lip, I brave the uncertainty of leaving all things hanging. The suspension; premeditated hesitation let’s me breath in the loss of control. In this moment of limbo, I prepare for failure. I prepare for an unimaginable success. I prepare for the off chance that nothing will change at all.
“What are you thinking now? Have you lost your faith in me? Have I lost your respect? Will I lose things – will I lose?”
And as I stew in the acid burn in my chest, all the while, feeling the gentle motion of unease in my belly – I succome to the nothingness of it all…
Worry breads nothing worth pursuing and hope breads worlds I’ve no wish to lose.
Deep breath – in and out.
The decision is made. Doubt creeps in to second guess my choice. And because I’ve no idea of the implications attached to it – just thoughts and imaginings, no real grasp of the changes – I take the nauseatingly enthusiastic step towards the unknown.
“I’ll to have to answer for this at some point,” I think to myself.
You’ve no confirmation just yet, but I suspect you’re aware of what I’m leaning towards.
Tomorrow, and tomorrow and perhaps in tomorrow’s tomorrow, I’ll have the words to express what’s written in my eyes.
“Forgive me. And thank you.”
What to do when the pinch hits?
You know the pinch, right?
It’s that painful moment when you wonder ‘why’.
For all the why’s that hit at exactly the same time, the pinch hits… Then the heart bleeds while it beats, and life slowly loses its purpose.
I know the pinch. I teeter in and out of its grip like a metronome. Never skipping a beat, always leaving it, finding relief from it only to return.
Today the pinch has me, but I hold on to the hope that tomorrow it will be gone.
And when it is. I’ll love love again, like and smile again – geniunely, without reserve. I look forward to this.
But till then, its me and the pinch, now an ally. My only friend.
Smiles for miles, the pinch and I.
Because words fail me still…
It’s only a month since your passing and it feels like it’s been a lifetime without you. I miss you darling friend. I haven’t been able to write, sing nor sleep the same. I wonder how you are, whether you’re happy or at peace.
I miss you more each day. I shutter to think of the pain your family is going through still. The pain they’ll go through whenever they remember you.
Seldom has a friend and sister crept into my heart as fast as you did, and I guess it was just, because I lost you so suddenly and way too early.
So as the words to that Beyonce song go… (No, not Drunk In Love or Blow – cos that’s was how we rolled.)
Heaven couldn’t wait for you, so go on, go home.